What I want to know, is:

Are You Speaking Customer?

Do you know who your customers are?  Where do they live and work and how much disposable income/budget do they have for spending on your product?  What type of experience does your customer have, from initial telephone call, to finished deal?  Do you keep in touch?  Are you aware of all the things about your business that annoy (and are you trying to minimise/eliminate those), and all the things that please?

Are Your Staff Muppets?  Yes, quite probably.

No, I’m not talking about the gloriously-made Jim Henson masterpieces.  I’m talking about those who answer the phone; those who design/update your website; those who sell your product; those who provide support; those who attend networking meetings.

My last woeful customer experience experience was, oh… 24 hours ago.  I was asked by a supplier to send in a document, which I had, five months ago.  They had seen neither hide nor hair of it.  I sent it in again, dutifully.  It disappeared.  I sent it in again, along with a complaint.  Not only was my complaint not dealt with, I was sent a letter to say I needn’t have sent it in again (as requested) as they’d ‘found’ the original.  Explanation of this muppetry?  It was ‘on someone else’s desk’.  See?  Muppets.  I’m cancelling my contract A-SAP.

See, what I want, as a customer is quick, efficient service.  I do not want to be blamed for your lack of attention to detail.  I do not want to be harangued when you make a mistake.  I am not interested in excuses.  Just get the job done.  That’s all.  And, be pleasant.  I will not continue to give you my money, if you’re unpleasant.  I’m narky that way.

Is the Whole Process One Big Painful Throbbing Abcess?  Well, erm… truthfully?  Yes.

OK.  Here’s the thing.  When I walk into your showroom, I do not want to trip over stuff?  I do not want to receive email after email telling me why things are delayed.  I cannot bear to have to ring you up to get an update, that the law states you should provide me with, without prompting; it stresses me out.  I do not want to begin having doubts as soon as I see your perma-streaky-tanned ‘beauty’ assistant welcome me without a shadow of self-doubt.

Confidence is important if I’m gonna put myself and my cash in your hands.  I need to feel totally at ease.  Nothing better upset my equilibrium.  I want all worry to dissipate, as I bask in your professional service cocoon.  This means I will come back, again and again, without even pricing around with anyone else.  I want safety, I want consistency.  And I don’t mind paying for it.  And, if it’s good… if it’s very, very good, I’ll tell everyone I know.

Go on, impress me, I dare you!  Seriously.  If you’ve a product or service that you want to show off, send it to me or email me and let me know.  If it beats everything else hands down, I’ll review it for free on the blog.  I’m especially interested in NI products and services.

Do you actually care anyway?  No?  Well, it shows.

I knew it!  You couldn’t give a stuff.  I came into your store looking for a certain item and you couldn’t be bothered to figure out whether it was something you supplied, or whether it could be ordered it.  In the interests of fairness, I have to link to one place that springs to mind that always rings to check if they can get the item in another store.

If you care, I know you believe in your product.  If you simply slap down my plate of champ and sausages, I know it was probably not prepared with care, and my appetite disappears.  You’ve spoiled my lunch-hour.  I won’t go back.  If you clean the table infront of me, sweeping crumbs and who-knows-what-else onto my lap, I begin to lose the will to live.  And, I might come back to haunt you…

What needs to happen is for me to feel like a princess, like I’ve got my own personal shopper.  Like you actually care.  Make me feel like you’re courting me, like nothing would be too much trouble, like you don’t want to make a mistake, your good side always on show.  Like time or effort is not an issue.  Then, I’ll be your customer forever.

Maybe some business out there would like to demonstrate how they have dealt with the issues mentioned?  Have you dealt with trained the muppets?  Have you lanced the abcess?  Do you even care?

By the way… we’re always up for training a few muppets.  If you’re a business owner employing muppets, remember, they’re only as good as their operator!  Get in contact if you need some help.