True story.  A colleague told me recently about how they conducted psychological profiles for people in a workplace team.  When one of the participants found out that she was classified as as an introvert, she broke down in tears.  An introvert?  The shame of it all!  Pass the paper hankies…

It was interesting to listen to some celebrities whose personality traits were analyzed for a BBC test.  First off, since when did Evan Davis and Jo Whiley rise to celebrityhood?  Second and importantly, most of them displayed the usual hit-and-miss understanding of what extroversion means.  One claims she was an extrovert because she was a ‘risk-taker’; another that she knew she was introverted because she was ‘quiet and shy’.  Er, no.

People, I blog to you today with a message of liberation.  It’s OK to be an introvert!  There is nothing wrong with you if you are an introvert.  You do not require fixing.  Let me explode the myths.

Myth #1 – Introverts are loners who therefore are more likely to be psychopathic serial-killers.

WRONG!  Introverts may have a smaller circle of friends in a quantitative sense but that just means they possess a more qualitative perspective.  Numbers aren’t everything for an introvert.

Myth #2 – Introverts are passive pushovers who lack assertive behaviour.

WRONG!  Assertiveness is a set of communication skills that enables a person to express their feelings in a clear and direct manner.  It is personality independent.  And anyway, assertiveness is not the same as being a bolshy big-mouth who can’t shut up.

Myth #3 – Introverts are simply shy i.e. lacking in self-confidence to the point of timidity.

WRONG!  Introverts may choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear.

So what is introversion?  Standard dictionary definitions take us some way.  “Introversion is the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.”  Underline that phrase interested in.  It doesn’t mean limited to or trapped by.  It means that introverts tend to find aspects of the internal world more easily and naturally engaging than aspects of the external world.  It’s a matter of taste.

My favourite understanding of introversion goes back to the person who invented the term – Carl Jung.  Jung originally coined the terms in an attempt to describe the extremes of how people gain their psychic energy.  Psychological energy just means the mental energy someone has to think about things.  It has nothing to do with Eastern or New Age notions of spiritual energy.  Here’s how Wikipedia puts it.

“If a person’s psychic energy usually flows outwards then he or she is an extrovert, while if the energy usually flows inwards, the person is an introvert.  Extroverts feel an increase of perceived energy when interacting with a large group of people, but a decrease of energy when left alone.  Conversely, introverts feel an increase of energy when alone, but a decrease of energy when surrounded by a large group of people.”

Or, as a more recent writer put it:

“Introverts are like a rechargeable battery. They need to stop expending energy and rest in order to recharge. Extroverts are like solar panels that need the sun to recharge. Extroverts need to be out and about to refuel.”

I’m an introvert as you may have guessed.  And this understanding makes good sense to me.  Even when I’m hanging with by best friends or training an excellent group, I can still feel my batteries running down.  I need time alone to get them charged up again.  Plus, I never get bored by myself.  But I know people who are the opposite.  Spending time alone bores, agitates and even stresses them.  They need to be talking, walking, playing, traveling, cooking, eating, making, working (you get the picture) all the time! To me, that is real extroversion, not someone who likes company or shows enthusiasm. Who doesn’t, in some way, to some degree?

And that’s my final point.  Pure introversion and pure extroversion are extremes on a spectrum.  All of us are somewhere in between.  And exactly where we are on the continuum might alter over our lifetime, or even (like me) over the course of a day.  So don’t blame yourself or cage yourself in with these types.  Think of ways to use them to your advantage! And whatever you do, don’t cry over it!

Take the test here.

Image credit: alamosbasement.

The following are successful posts from the archives:

The Five Habits of Highly Passive People

5 Assertiveness Techniques

The Ten Worst Business Phrases of All Time

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Schools

Convert You-Tube Videos for Embedding in PowerPoint

How to Be Brave

Enjoy!

Here is a small part of one of eight sections which made up the workshop: Assertiveness Techniques.  It’s all very well knowing that you have the right to express your thoughts, opinions and that by dressing right, standing tall and using your voice and tone to help your case, you are presenting an assertive image.  But, what do you SAY?  Here are five techniques for getting your point across assertively. Do we teach all we read or know about? No, we only teach what we’ve tried and proved ourselves. The following techniques work!

Repeat to Fade

You may have read about this technique before.  It’s more usually known as The Broken Record Technique.  The basic premise is that people will get the message after three attempts.  The key is to repeat your words over and over, without substantially altering too much, and without elaborating.
Sweetheart, you must come to the work dinner.

No, I am not (1) going.

Aww… Please…

No, I will not (2) be there.

We’ll all miss you…

Like I said, I am not (3) going.

In what situation is this useful?

Those who are extremely persistent will be less likely to hound you to do things you’d rather not, if you use this technique consistently.  Avoid the temptation to give reasons why.  If you do, you may find the person tries to solve the problem, and thus the reason, forcing you to capitulate.

Failsafe Instruction Blueprint

Address the person by name.  (Charlotte…)

Tell them what you want.  (I want the report completely typed up, proofread and printed…)

Tell them when you want it.  (… by 11am on Wednesday morning.)

Tell them why you want it.  (It is for the directors’ conference on Friday morning.)

Say thank-you.  (Thank-you)

In what situation is this useful?

Those who lack motivation or the skills to work unsupervised, will respond well to this technique.  Keep the communication precise and clear and there is less room for mis-communication.

Negative Assertion

Turn the power of the opponent around to your advantage, as in martial arts!

This technque involves assenting to the part of what the person says that you agree with.  You are still being assertive by not agreeing to the rest, by refusing to mention it.  But, you are being very clear in what you are agreeing to, by being specific.

You’re rubbish at writing letters.

This letter was rubbish.

In what situation is this useful?

Those who make broad sweeping statements like this are acting like a critical, judgemental parent would with a child.  It pays dividends to act like the adult by assenting to what you can and ignoring the rest.  It is not helpful to get into a discussion about the words ‘always’ and ‘never’.

Fogging

Create a fog around what someone says to you, by recognising their need or priority, but stating that yours is more important.

I realise this is important, but it is not as important as…

I know this is a priority for you, but my priority is…

In what situation is this useful?

When you want to recognise the other person’s position, but force them to recognise that yours is more important for you.  It is a way to avoid being manipulated.

Negative Enquiry

This is a way of focusing the negative statement back on the person.  It makes them give examples of what they mean.  If they are unable to do so… then it’s probaly just a personal attack.

You’re useless.

In what way, specifically?

In what situation is this useful?

It is a way to get constructive criticism, or real feedback, that you can do something with.

These techniques work.  In Northern Ireland, we are taught to be aimiable, often at the cost of our own comfort and mental well-bring.  We learn to become passive, in the light of the aggressive and unreasinable words and behaviour of others.  Or, we turn aggressive ourselves, in a vain attempt to defend ourselves against attack.  Neither is effective.

These techniques provide alternative methods for dealing with people we live and work with.  The goal is to become assertive by being able to state our case, without being overcome with emotion or ineffective through vagueness.  The assertive person has something to say, says it calmly and succinctly and then stops.

Let us know how you get on with these techniques.  (I hope to follow this up very soon, with a blog on the 5 Power Words!)

A business colleague told me recently that she thought I was the ‘passive and calm’ type.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like it one bit.

True, she hadn’t known me for very long and her observations of me were all within one limited situation.   But she’s an astute and experienced person, so I took her comments seriously enough to warrant reflection.

Why didn’t I like it?  Well, my business training kicked in, which told me in at least two ways that it’s bad to be passive.  Consider these examples.

Traditional assertiveness training – which I teach, practice and believe in – makes a distinction between three types of behaviour: aggressive, assertive and passive.  Aggressive behaviour is ego-centric, power-greedy, and wins at the expense of others.  Assertive behaviour values both the self and the other in terms of rights and need-fulfilment, striving to achieve win-win outcomes. But passive behaviour gives away all rights and power to others.  It is the mentality of perpetual victimhood.

Then there’s Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  The first of which is the habit of pro-activity. Being proactive means taking responsibility for every aspect of your life. Initiative and taking action will then follow.  It’s the opposite of being reactive, which means you blame other people and circumstances for obstacles or problems.

Finally, there’s the unflattering synonyms available for the word ‘passive’ on my MS Word thesaurus: inert (sluggish), submissive, flaccid (limp, flabby, drooping, sagging), lifeless.  Euuw…

So passive is not a good place to be. But it started me thinking.  Are there any ways in which it is good to be passive?  I think there are.

Calm – A passive person can be composed in the face of fear or danger, serene, like the traditional Buddhist monk.  It is healthy to relax, to learn to control your responses.  Passive people are not prone to dangers of stress and anger.

Satisfied – Being passive is the opposite of striving, of restlessness to achieve some goal, then another, then another, never resting in the contentment of now.  Goal-setting is a good discipline, but enjoying the ride is better.

Unbiased – Passivity requires detachment, a standing apart from life in order to objectively observe and analyse.  People who are only active are always totally involved, submerged in themselves and their projects.  They tend therefore to be blind to themselves and how they are perceived.

Spontaneous – For proactive people, everything must be premeditated and planed.  But where is the space for impulsive, reflexive decision-making in this world?  Covey’s world purrs like a well-oiled engine, but I am much more than a machine.

Indifferent – There are things in this world that are not worth caring about. I would even dare to say that most things fall under this category.  Broadly speaking, an attitude of apathetic indifference and passivity is exactly the right way to approach celebrities, advertising, the tabloids, TV, fashion, Hollywood, workplace gossip, the size of your neighbour’s car etc, if you want to sustain your happiness.

Can I reconcile this healthy passivity with a helpful activism? Here’s what my favourite philosopher has to say about it.

“I do not want to accuse, I do not want even to accuse the accusers. May looking away be my only form of negation! And, all in all: I want to be at all times hereafter only an affirmer!”

What do you think?

Image credit: boff_hiroshi.