What I want to know, is:

Are You Speaking Customer?

Do you know who your customers are?  Where do they live and work and how much disposable income/budget do they have for spending on your product?  What type of experience does your customer have, from initial telephone call, to finished deal?  Do you keep in touch?  Are you aware of all the things about your business that annoy (and are you trying to minimise/eliminate those), and all the things that please?

Are Your Staff Muppets?  Yes, quite probably.

No, I’m not talking about the gloriously-made Jim Henson masterpieces.  I’m talking about those who answer the phone; those who design/update your website; those who sell your product; those who provide support; those who attend networking meetings.

My last woeful customer experience experience was, oh… 24 hours ago.  I was asked by a supplier to send in a document, which I had, five months ago.  They had seen neither hide nor hair of it.  I sent it in again, dutifully.  It disappeared.  I sent it in again, along with a complaint.  Not only was my complaint not dealt with, I was sent a letter to say I needn’t have sent it in again (as requested) as they’d ‘found’ the original.  Explanation of this muppetry?  It was ‘on someone else’s desk’.  See?  Muppets.  I’m cancelling my contract A-SAP.

See, what I want, as a customer is quick, efficient service.  I do not want to be blamed for your lack of attention to detail.  I do not want to be harangued when you make a mistake.  I am not interested in excuses.  Just get the job done.  That’s all.  And, be pleasant.  I will not continue to give you my money, if you’re unpleasant.  I’m narky that way.

Is the Whole Process One Big Painful Throbbing Abcess?  Well, erm… truthfully?  Yes.

OK.  Here’s the thing.  When I walk into your showroom, I do not want to trip over stuff?  I do not want to receive email after email telling me why things are delayed.  I cannot bear to have to ring you up to get an update, that the law states you should provide me with, without prompting; it stresses me out.  I do not want to begin having doubts as soon as I see your perma-streaky-tanned ‘beauty’ assistant welcome me without a shadow of self-doubt.

Confidence is important if I’m gonna put myself and my cash in your hands.  I need to feel totally at ease.  Nothing better upset my equilibrium.  I want all worry to dissipate, as I bask in your professional service cocoon.  This means I will come back, again and again, without even pricing around with anyone else.  I want safety, I want consistency.  And I don’t mind paying for it.  And, if it’s good… if it’s very, very good, I’ll tell everyone I know.

Go on, impress me, I dare you!  Seriously.  If you’ve a product or service that you want to show off, send it to me or email me and let me know.  If it beats everything else hands down, I’ll review it for free on the blog.  I’m especially interested in NI products and services.

Do you actually care anyway?  No?  Well, it shows.

I knew it!  You couldn’t give a stuff.  I came into your store looking for a certain item and you couldn’t be bothered to figure out whether it was something you supplied, or whether it could be ordered it.  In the interests of fairness, I have to link to one place that springs to mind that always rings to check if they can get the item in another store.

If you care, I know you believe in your product.  If you simply slap down my plate of champ and sausages, I know it was probably not prepared with care, and my appetite disappears.  You’ve spoiled my lunch-hour.  I won’t go back.  If you clean the table infront of me, sweeping crumbs and who-knows-what-else onto my lap, I begin to lose the will to live.  And, I might come back to haunt you…

What needs to happen is for me to feel like a princess, like I’ve got my own personal shopper.  Like you actually care.  Make me feel like you’re courting me, like nothing would be too much trouble, like you don’t want to make a mistake, your good side always on show.  Like time or effort is not an issue.  Then, I’ll be your customer forever.

Maybe some business out there would like to demonstrate how they have dealt with the issues mentioned?  Have you dealt with trained the muppets?  Have you lanced the abcess?  Do you even care?

By the way… we’re always up for training a few muppets.  If you’re a business owner employing muppets, remember, they’re only as good as their operator!  Get in contact if you need some help.

I need some photocopying done. Simple enough task, there are plenty of copyshops around. I could have my pick. So, I simply stop at the first one I come across.

08.55
It is situated a little off the beaten path, but no matter, it is on my path. Tiny little place, no more than 8ft square, the door is open, it is a little before normal opening hours. So, I call out to the guy sitting with his back to the counter chatting to an unseen murmuring colleague – “Hello?”. No acknowledgement. The irritation is already beginning to manifest itself in a tight chest. I was in a hurry to meet someone and wanted to get in and out quickly, bearing in mind there are no other customers. I think – hmm, my business is not very important here. Either that, or, more likely, I’ve dared to walk into the (open) door, before the 9am watershed. [Yes, I do understand that some places are not allowed to trade or use the tills 'til 9am.]

So, a little louder, but not wanting to shout (there is no need since the guy is about 3 feet from the counter, in a doorway), I call ”Excuse me!” in what I hope is a friendly, expectant tone. The guy moves. Turns around in his seat, takes me in and eventually gets up. His jeans are almost falling off. Now, I know that’s cool these days, but heck, I feel like I’ve disturbed him from his slouching posture while watching MTV since 11.30pm the night before. ”Yes?”, I feel chastised.

“You’re open, yeah?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Great! I need this bundle photocopied.”
He looks like I’ve just asked him to rewrite my thesis by 10am and swiftly disappears beyond the doorway without answering me. I wait. Perhaps he’d forgotten to floss, pull up his jeans and was away to re-present himself?
Silent sigh, chest tightening (me).
He reappears frighteningly silent. “You want it done now?”, incredulously.
“Yes please. 14 copies. That OK?” I almost laugh, but don’t. I’m afraid he might cry. There are no other customers, there is no sound nor sign of activity at all.

Still looking slightly overcome by my request, eyeing my bundle of paper suspiciously. “Uh, I’ll just get the manager.” OK, I’m not asking for a life-size photocopy of the Giant’s Causeway, just my little bundle. What’s going on? He buzzes the manager, who appears to be upstairs. The forty-something manager appears sweating silently under the damp comb-over, dischevelled in the doorway in a yellowing (or is it patches of brown?) old shirt. Looks at me as if I (oh, no! What’s that awful smell, I shudder and wrinkle my nose, simultaneously taking a step back, without meaning to) have asked him at the wrong time. He pauses like what seems a very long time, as I look from shop assistant to ‘manager’ to see if anyone will throw me a lifeline.

“Right, turn on that machine. Have you turned it on? OK, luv, so what do you need done?”, smiling through yellowed teeth, feigning interest. [I'm not luv. I'm a grown woman and stopped being talking down to about fifteen years ago when I entered the adult world. I seethe.]

I take it in. The office, with random bits of paper and hole punch bits scattered over sticky, old lino, the mish-mash of new counter with old tables behind, and handwritten blue biro notices on walls, all the while avoiding the glazed stare of the manager, with his ill-fitting ‘suit’ and fetidly solid smell. I fear to follow my thoughts as they lead me to wonder how he lived to conjure such a physically assaulting stench.

I turn to say, “Oh, just this bundle please. Photocopied all together.”
“Pages numbered?”
“Yep.”
“Hmmm, so if we get them muddled, then it’s OK.” The shop assistant takes the bundle from me hesitantly.
“Ah, I just need them photocopied, not sorted or anything.”
“Right well, they’re numbered anyhow. [Indistinguishable name], have you got that thing going yet?”
“It’s ready now.” I leave the conversation, taking up pot-plant status.
“Right, OK. How many copied? Oh fourteen.” I smile, full of grace, clock ticking.

Reassuring photocopier sounds ensue, from just beyond the doorway. I relax a little, text my friend to say I’ll be there in ten, no, correct it to twenty. The manager starts to ring around to find someone to laminate something for him. Mutters to himself that no-one works on Saturday morning anymore. Walks past me several times back and forth on the customer side of the counter (there isn’t room), not sure why. Looks confused.

“OK, that’s done then.” The shop assistant seems to take over.
“Right put them in a box for the lady. Would you like a box?”, the manager directs. I view the proferred box quickly (a reused paper ream box).
“No, just dump them into my wee folder,” indicating the almost flurorescent blue folder I’d set on the counter for the purpose.
“Sure you don’t want a box?”
“No, they’re grand in the folder thanks.” (I’d had to run to a local shop to get change, as they didn’t take cards and had a bag of shopping and a large handbag to co-ordinate already.)
“OK, just put them in the lid then.” Silent shop assistant obeys the manager.
“Em, now.. OK, can you look after her now?”, seeming to delegate the payment stage to the shop assistant, while he continues to mutter on the phone, “OK, luv, now?”. No-one seems to be on the other end.
I’m losing the will to live. The smell is almost knocking me out in the tiny shop.

The shop assistant starts punching slowly into a calculator, making notes on a seriously crumpled compliment slip. I guess it might be around 20, so I rummage for cash, taking my time, as I know he will be. My life shortens perceptibly.

“Uh, that’ll be 17.50 then.”, he looks at me nervously, as if I might begin to barter him down a pound or two. I hand over my prepared 20 quickly, watched by the manager. Panic ensues.

“Right, have you got the key?”
“No, you’d left it….”
“OK.”, manager finds it, hands it to shop assistant. It is to open a strongbox (I kid you not – last time I saw one of those, I was buying 5p Bikers in the tuck-shop).
“Right.”
“There you go.”, shop assistant hands back 2.50. Uncharacteristically, I check the change.
“Lovely, thanks!”, I pick up my larger bundle in the box lid, together with my empty fluorescent folder and take to the hills.

Listen business owners. This story I relate not because it is unusual, but because I am still hurting from the memory. That and the odd manic chuckle as I wonder what it was all about.

I’m thinking of reworking our Customer Experience Management workshop to highlight the following:

• At weekend, wash clothes.
• Before work, shower, and brush teeth.
• Train your staff on:
  • using the equipment your business depends on
  • speaking to customers
• Install a card machine.
• Remind yourself that your customer pays your wage.

Pesky Customer

‘Great day, very informative, good debate, enjoyable..’    Caroline Armstrong

‘Fully met – learned that we can change ourselves through taking on new challenges and using new techniques.’    Georgina Johnston

‘Excellent class – answered alot of my questions.’    Briege Craig-Arundell

And, following our Customer Experience Management course – one of our business events – on Tuesday and Wednesday 26-27th February, our business customers had this to say:

‘Well presented and structured.  Brought to light many new ideas.  Very enjoyable.’    Adrian Parkes, CCEA

‘Got great ideas to start implementing in my organisation.  Totally enjoyed the course.’    Helen McDermott, Citizens Information Board

‘Good content, relaxed atmosphere…’    Janeen Maxwell, Ulster Carpets

If you would like to attend one of our courses, click on the appropriate link above for the latest blog posts on workshops for anyone or business events.

Today competition for customers is fierce and customer power is on the increase. But what are customers to you? Information to be managed? Or people to be engaged?

There are two answers. The old one is called Customer Relationship Management (CRM). CRM is a process by which companies capture, store and analyze information relating to all parties in any business transaction – vendor, partner, and internal customer.

The second is called Customer Experience Management (CEM).  It is the future.The key to sustaining a competitive advantage lies in focusing in on the “customer experience”.<span>  </span>Whenever a customer interacts with your firm and its products, this interaction must <em>create value</em> for the customer. To create value for customers, the firm must connect with customers and must create experiences that are memorable.

Businesses have to understand how products (goods, services, or experiences) help make customers lives better (easier, more meaningful) and how customers feel about their products, including any emotional associations they may have. This is called the emotional value or ‘e-value’ of a product.

What does this mean is real terms? In a phrase, doing things that your customers like. Customers want to be liked by the people serving them. The more you do this, the more they will return, and encourage others to come along with them. The more this happens, the more profit you will make.

E-value can take the form of friendliness, authenticity, integrity, or downright fun.  They do not want to be analysed or systematized by the procedures of ‘scientific management’. They are people, not numbers.

Forget this in any aspect of their contact with you, and they will forget you.

Our next Customer Service and Satisfaction 2-Day Workshop is on 27-27th February.

Venue: Queen’s University, Belfast
Time: 9.30 – 4.30     Cost: £360
To book contact Marc Forte at QUB on 028 9097 5260/5261 or email m.forte@qub.ac.uk. Discounts available for multiple bookings.

The 21st century marketplace is brutally competitive. Recent research confirms that customer loyalty is more a result of how customers feel about doing business with you, than what they think about your products or services. Companies that satisfy their customers here gain their clients’ loyalty in the form of repeat business and referrals. The most successful companies utilize this by managing the total customer experience – not only meeting, but exceeding, both the rational and emotional needs of their customers. In this course you will gain an understanding of the building-blocks of a customer experience, learn how to manage your brand’s role, and create satisfying interactions that turn customers into campaigners.