We are holding a workshop – Assertiveness and Workplace Confidence – at QUB, Belfast on Wednesday 18-19 February.

The realities of modern work life – flat structures, tough workloads and the need to exert influence across traditional boundaries – ensure that assertiveness skills are not an optional extra.  Aggression is unacceptable; passivity is ineffective. In this workshop you will learn an powerful set of techniques and how to use them in specific workplace scenarios, such as when negotiating or influencing.  also covered are the relationships between assertiveness and more general work-related issues, like the conflict created when giving criticism and receiving feedback. There will be special attention paid to the issue of communication in work, focusing on how delegates can build up a repetoire of assertive non-verbal communication styles and employ assertive ‘power’-words and persuasive phrases.

After participating in the two-day programme, delegates will be able to:

• Communicate their chosen message in the workplace with confidence and clarity
• Competently handle workplace scenarios that test assertiveness to the limits
• Recognise the different dynamics involved in workplace power and perception
• Plan and practice successful assertive behaviour in a step-by-step way

This course will be presented as a mixture of presentation, group discussion, role-plays and personal exercises.  While the principles which underpin this course are common to all expressions of assertive performance, the specific focus of the course is on workplace assertiveness.  Therefore, the circumstances and problems dealt with are taken from the world of work rather than, say, personal life or family relationships.

The course will be of benefit to a broad range of professional, managerial, and supervisory personnel, including those in the sales and service sectors.  Anyone who communicates with others within the workplace will find it of immediate and lasting benefit.  No previous knowledge or level of attainment is required.

This is a Short Courses Programmes (CPD) event and costs £390.

To book a place, phone Marc Forte at the School of Education (Short Courses Programmes) on 028 9097 5260 or email cpd@qub.ac.uk.

Image credit: prajuvikas.

]]> http://www.sensei-winbeforehand.co.uk/2009/01/21/assertiveness-and-workplace-confidence/feed/ 0 http://www.sensei-winbeforehand.co.uk/2008/11/14/how-to-be-brave-the-return/ http://www.sensei-winbeforehand.co.uk/2008/11/14/how-to-be-brave-the-return/#comments Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:00:51 +0000 Allen Baird, Partner http://senseilearningandperformance.wordpress.com/?p=697 I’ve had a few positive comments and dozens of hits on a blog I wrote in July called How to Be Brave.  The gist of it was that it’s possible to overcome the feeling of fear by first of all acting as if you were not afraid.  If you can put on a good enough act, then the feelings will fall into place afterwards.

While teaching a course in non-verbal communication recently, a thought struck me.  How do you act in a brave or fearless manner? Which specific pieces of body language can help us out here?

Smile. This is the most powerful piece of body language available to us!  As that well known psychologist Greta Garbo said, “Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening”.  Smiling gives you great power over yourself and others.

Raise your chin. If ever you are feeling down, raise your head and hold it in an upright position for a few moments.  Notice how your mood will shift almost immediately.

Maintain eye contact. When you hold someone’s gaze it means that you are in control, assertive, even challenging.  Narrow your eyes to be seen as strong and dominant.  Move your gaze smoothly and deliberately.  Of all bodily signals, the eyes reveal emotions the most accurately.

Be still. Small, inconsequential gestures show discomfort, inner turmoil or frustration.  Eliminate these ‘micro-gestures’ by taking action to solve the problems, or learning to be still by shifting your energies to thought.  Stillness and quiet signal to others that you are in control, and that it is up to them to make the move.

Stand straight. Posture reflects self-image, confidence, role and emotional state.  As Ray Birdwhistell noted, “A person’s posture reflects their past.  People who has experiences long depression may slouch and slag their bodies,  whereas people who have a positive outlook tend to hold themselves upright”.

Walk tall. However you walk you are being true to your internal rhythms and feelings.  By choosing to walk in a certain way you are presenting an image you want other to believe.  Quicken your tempt to increase your energy.  Or slow down to show deliberation.  Whatever you do, choose it.

Expand out. Take up space and look as though you are conformable in it.  Don’t shrivel up or cringe when others look at you.  Hold your arms away form your body and your elbows slightly out from your sides.  Plant your feet slightly apart.  Be significant!

Pump it up. The volume that is.  If you talk quietly you will ignored, you will sound unsure, others will talk over you.  Don’t be scared to hear yourself speak.  I don’t mean scream or fog-horn.  But try raising your voice a little and you will get the attention and time of others.

Try them out.  They actually work.  I dare you!

My feelings are mixed.  I would describe by own view as ‘open but cautious’.  Open, because it contains a heady mixture of philosophy, psychology, and self-help applications that I personally find attractive.  But I’m still cautious, very cautious.  Here are a few quick reasons why:

1. There isn’t a single, satisfactory definition of NLP. As a trainer-philosopher, this makes me nervous.  It is possible to take some of the most advanced theories and systems ever dreamed of and reduce them to a succinct definition – whether postmodernism, Marxism or whatever.  This implies that the meaning of the term is clear and distinct.  NLP can’t do this.  It is usually defined in terms that are are either so all-encompassing as to be useless (e.g. “the science of achievement”) or so fragmented as to point in a thousand different directions.
2. There isn’t much in NLP that is unique to NLP. So you open a book on NLP and ask yourself, ‘What is this really about?’  Well, there’s a bit on ‘mirroring‘…but this is a well-known technique of body language.  Then there’s something on self-motivation… but Emotional Intelligence already covers that.  The same goes for everything NLP has to say about learning styles, metaphors, memory, rapport-building, re-framing and the rest.  Even it’s central technique – modelling – was used by the likes of Maslow (my wife’s hero!) long before NLP came on the scene.  So I ask, What exactly does NLP do that other things don’t?
3. I don’t apprecaite the use of the word ‘progamming’. The human mind is neither a (sort of organic) computer, nor is it very much like a computer…in everything that matters.  NLP seems little more than a modern verion of the old behaviourist theory with its ‘stimulus/response’ model and its reliance on ‘operant conditioning’.  I find it interesting that Tony Robbins has called his own version of NLP ‘Neuro-Associative Conditioning’.  Such methods grew out of the training of animals in experiments.  They therefore exclude all that is vital to specifically human existence – freedom, conscience, an aesthetic sense, and intuition to name a few.
4. It doesn’t impress me when the founders of NLP can’t even live it out. The two founders of NLP – Richard Bandler and John Grinder – have been involved in a number of lawsuits about the ownership of their theory.  There were also the messy matters of divorce, bankruptcy and even a murder trial.  The NLP movement has splintered since then.  So much for rapport-building!  If they can’t provide a model of excellence in communication between themselves, I fail to see how they can dare to do so for anyone else.  As Jimmy Swaggart – another one who can’t practice what he preaches – might say: Physician, heal thyself!

Having said all this, people I respect have gained much through NLP to help others.  My mind is not closed.  Maybe I need to stop reading NLP books and go to one of their workshops to experience it directly.

If I can afford it, that is…

So I throw this challenge out there.  If any NLPers are reading - invite me to one of your seminars, make me a true believer, and I’ll blog you a golden write-up for free!  Any takers?

They can accept my points about the need for interest in other people, the different ways of building up personal confidence, the skills of listening and questioning, and all the other principles of inter-personal training. But the issue they really want me to address is, ‘I don’t have anything to say!’

They are wrong about this, of course. Everyone has something to say, if they can be bothered. But underlying this notion is a variety of myths and legends that surround the subject of conversations in the minds of many. Here are some of them.

1. Only the very unusual is worth talking about
2. The topic must be literary, highbrow or very learned
3. Your knowledge must be encyclopaedic
4. It is your duty always to entertain and amuse
5. You shouldn’t have to do any research

All these are false. Get them completely out of your thinking. Perhaps the last one is the worst of all. Some think that all conversation must be spontaneous without any forethought. But I encourage my students to discover and develop topics. Be on the lookout for fruitful sources of topics and make use of them – newspapers, magazines, radio and TV, stories from friends, interesting experiences and people, phrases and quotes, etc.

But let’s start by way of negation. What should we NOT talk about? Do not…

1. Parade your private life before strangers
2. Shame other people by describing their faults before a general audience
3. Reveal the plots of books, films or plays to those who have yet to experience them
4. Have only one topic of conversation about which you obsess
5. Constantly ‘talk shop’
6. Moan about your aches and pains
7. Chatter about your brilliant children

There’s no big surprise, really, about the sorts of topics people like to talk about. If you sat down and thought about it for a few minutes you could come up with as good a list as me. After thinking about this for myself, asking people on different classes, and doing a little research, here is my list of top ten topics to talk about in conversation:

1. TV and films
2. News items and current affairs
3. Holidays and travel
4. Cars
5. Music
6. Work
7. Where you’re from and who you’re related to (for NI people only)
8. Your ambitions & dreams
9. Celebrities
10. Hobbies

Like I said, this is hardly big news. The main points are: (1) having a plan; and (2) making the effort.

If you’re not prepared to do either of these things, then the problem isn’t that you don’t know what to say. The problem is that you can’t be bothered to say it.

People’s heads are full of rubbish when it comes to this topic. They think that in order to be interesting they have to become a cross between Oscar Wilde and a stand-up comedian. This assumption is false. Here are the facts.

People make two mistakes in conversation: they either talk too little or too much. There is a common cause to these two symptoms. In both cases the person speaking focuses on themselves rather than the person they’re talking to.

A good conversationalist is someone who focuses on the other person rather than themselves. Dale Carnegie suggested (at least) three principles behind this:

(1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
(2) Encourage others to talk about themselves.
(3) Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Great advice, true, but Carnegie failed to map out how exactly we do these things. Here are my suggestions.

1. Become a good listener. Listening is the best way to show that you are paying attention. This does NOT mean sitting back and saying nothing! “Active listening” is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, to try and understand the total message being sent.

2. Use your own body language and gestures to convey the message that you are listening. Nod occasionally. Smile and use other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like ‘yes’, and ‘uh-huh’.

3. Show you are truly interested in someone by asking questions. People find ice-breaking questions the hardest. Start with open-ended questions such as, ‘Tell me about your…’ or ‘How did you…’. Then follow-up with, ‘Why?’, ‘How did it happen?’, and, ‘What happened there?’

4. Pay total attention to the person you’re speaking to. Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Look at the speaker directly. Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal. Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.

Now, look deeply into this screen and repeat after me:

If I want to be interesting, then I must become interested.

If you need encouragement in your quest, remember these wise and true words from Dale Carnegie himself.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”