Often our lives are characterised by FOG: fear, obligation and guilt.  In many cases, this involves other people. That is what this blog post deals with.  It concerns how to limit fear to the unavoidable, remove obligation when it is incorrectly placed and replace guilt when it is unjustified.

Fear

Who are you afraid of?  Are family, friends or co-workers controlling you with your own fear?  Does their behaviour, words, silent treatment, lies, or manipulation make you fearful?  If you are aware of it, you can do something about it.

If the other person is aware of it, and continues to threaten (whether silently, or in words), this is called bullying or emotional abuse.  Sufferers say often more damaging, long-term, than physical violence.  And, in the realm of those who help men and women with domestic abuse, emotional abuse is subsumed under the heading of domestic violence.  It is often likely to lead to it, and when emotional abuse is present, violence is likely to be too.  A note of caution.  If you have been physically threatened and are afraid of someone, or have already suffered at their hands, this is entirely different.  Organisations such as Women’s Aid and, recommend removing yourself from that situation.  Don’t live in fear of your life, or physical safety, or that of your children or other dependants.  There are many organisations who will help you escape from this precarious situation.

Take advice from professionals who are practised at dealing with victims.

Never forget that the more you fear someone, the more power it gives them.

Violence aside, that ought to make you angry enough to actively and consistently change that emotion when it surfaces, from fear to pity or, better indifference.

Techniques for limiting your fear of people

1. Attend an Assertiveness course, and learn how to communicate assertively, avoiding both aggression and passivity.  Assertiveness and Workplace Confidence is one of our most popular workshops.  Learn how to deal with those who would aggressively demand your obedience.  You are an adult, you are entitled to your rights, you have responsibilities.  Learn this and never be successfully bullied again.  Yes, people won’t like you.  The point is not to be liked.  (In Northern Ireland, we are taught from a very young age not to flaunt our passion, opinion, emotions, or knowledge.  Expect that when you begin to practice assertive communication, many will interpret your directness as aggression.)  The point of assertive communication is to get your point across clearly, and succinctly.  It does not involve shouting, bullying or manipulation.  We recommend this: The Assertiveness Pocketbook.
2. Limit the amount of time you spend in that person’s company.  In many cases, this is achievable.  If you cannot avoid them when you want to, for example in the workplace, then devise ways of limiting the contact.  This may mean shorter meetings, moving desks, changing shifts, restructuring the team, or applying for a transfer.  The less you see that person, the less damage they can do.  The more astute will become aware why you are spending less time allowing them opportunities in which they can attempt to manipulate you.  This is especially effective if combined with assertive communication when you are forced to spend time with them.  They will see less of you, and that they do see, is positively different.
   This is one example of setting boundaries around your time.  We highly recommend Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries, which deals with protecting you and yours using boundaries. 
3. If your fear is one where you are paralysed in the company of more than a few colleagues, take it one step at a time.  One of the best ways of overcoming debilitating shyness is to begin practising on strangers.  Chat to the guy in the paper shop, or have a longer conversation than is necessary with a random stranger at the bus stop.  This helps build up your repertoire of things to talk about, and makes you realise that you can participate in an interesting conversation after all.  Learn to use body language, clothing, smiles, handshakes to create an air of confidence, and fearlessness.  The feelings will come later, but the appearance of confidence is achievable.  With success, comes the positive emotion of confidence, which in turn fuels the next encounter.    We recommend The Confidence Booster Workout.

Obligation

Who “makes” you feel obliged?  A demanding boss?  A lazy co-worker who will show up the team, if you fail to step in and cover up for her?  An immature parent?  A whinging child?

Are you the person who sorts things out?  Gets things done?  Fixes whatever, and whoever, is broken?  Takes care of things no-one else will?

If your life is taken up with rescuing other people, then you’re heading for depression.

How do I know?  Because I sometimes work with those who deal with depression.  Besides, I’m the Rescuer personality type and I know what it feels like to be consumed with wanting to help fragile victims, taking on the heavy, emotional baggage they inevitably carry around.  And, because I see the Rescuer type every day.
They’re physically exhausted.  And, mentally?

Far from feeling benevolent toward the person they’re rescuing from their own problem, inadequacy or laziness, they most often resent them!

Techniques for limiting obligation to your genuine responsibilities only

• Read Manuel Smyth’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.  Pay attention to his Bill of Assertive Rights.  I have tried to figure out a favourite, but there are four that are equally impactful.

You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

You have the right to say, “I don’t care”.

• Now, go back and read the rights again.  Ponder what each one would look like in your life.

From now on, take care of those things you know are your real responsibilities, and ignore those that others place unfairly upon you.  This is not a licence to drop your responsibilities.  On the contrary, it is a license to take up those responsibilities and carry them out, unfettered by the illegitimate obligations placed on us by others.

Guilt

What if you don’t do something for someone?  Are you taken over by guilt?  Do you groan at the consequences?

If I don’t do this for her, then she’ll suffer!  If I don’t help out, then no-one else will!

Did you ever stop to think that it is not within your circle of concern what the consequences are? And, sometimes it is not even within your circle of influence!  It only appears so, because you have allowed someone else to determine it for you.

Techniques for not feeling guilty

• Ask yourself if you have done something wrong.  If not, then you need not feel guilty.  That nagging voice in your head probably speaks very like your parent/child/boss/friend/neighbour.  It is false.  Ignore it.
  You will train yourself gradually to mute the volume.
• Are you the type that can’t enjoy a success?  You feel guilt instead?  Think of success as a logical, intended culmination of years of planning, or months of study, or days of labour.  It would be a huge surprise if anything other than success was the result.  That is what you are working toward, isn’t it?  Then, enjoy it!

You are the only person who can break the FOG cycle

I’m very fortunate, I know, to have a husband who cares for my mental well-being.  But, I was horrified, though not surprised, recently, to listen to a woman whose husband never asked her how she was feeling.  The thing is, if you never say how you’re feeling, people can sometimes be forgiven for assuming that you feel OK.  That leads to a situation where your feelings are unimportant.

Never underestimate the immense lack of interest of others, even those closest to you, in your contentment, mental wellbeing, physical health or fulfilment in life.

Fear – speak out, be heard in a positive way.  Don’t fall into the trap of becoming aggressive towards those who scare you.

Obligation – take responsibilities seriously, but only those that you decide on.

Guilt – much of it is misplaced.  Decide if the emotion is warranted, and act accordingly.

All of this takes a little practice, I know!  But, it is achievable.

Image credit: mikecolvin82.

This two day workshop will take place on Wednesday – Thursday, 17-18 February 10, 09:30-16:30.  Speaker: Dawn Baird.

The realities of modern work life – flat structures, tough workloads and the need to exert influence across traditional boundaries – ensure that assertiveness skills are not an optional extra.  Aggression is unacceptable; passivity is ineffective.

Previous attendees of this workshop have said:

Met and surpassed.  Enjoyed especially session on emotional intelligence – had heard about it but didn’t know alot about it.  Really enjoyable course.  Professional trainers and also enthusiastic participants helped to make it enjoyable and relevant to me.

Emma Rollins, Assistant Tourism Development Officer, Ards Council

I found the course very interesting and practical, the blend of theory and practical solutions on how to behave assertively exceed my expectations before the course.   I really enjoyed the course.  I thought Dawn and Allen were great trainers who put the group at ease and explained their subject matter very well.

Elaine Vaughan, HR Officer, Police Ombudsman

In this workshop you will learn a powerful set of techniques and how to use them in specific workplace scenarios, such as when negotiating or influencing.  Also covered are the relationships between assertiveness and more general work-related issues, like the conflict created when giving criticism and receiving feedback.

Allen Baird will no longer be c0-speaking at this event, as originally announced.

To book a place, contact Marc Forte at the School of Education (Short Courses Programmes) on 028 9097 5260 or email cpd@qub.ac.uk.

Image credit: prajuvikas.

True story.  A colleague told me recently about how they conducted psychological profiles for people in a workplace team.  When one of the participants found out that she was classified as as an introvert, she broke down in tears.  An introvert?  The shame of it all!  Pass the paper hankies…

It was interesting to listen to some celebrities whose personality traits were analyzed for a BBC test.  First off, since when did Evan Davis and Jo Whiley rise to celebrityhood?  Second and importantly, most of them displayed the usual hit-and-miss understanding of what extroversion means.  One claims she was an extrovert because she was a ‘risk-taker’; another that she knew she was introverted because she was ‘quiet and shy’.  Er, no.

People, I blog to you today with a message of liberation.  It’s OK to be an introvert!  There is nothing wrong with you if you are an introvert.  You do not require fixing.  Let me explode the myths.

Myth #1 – Introverts are loners who therefore are more likely to be psychopathic serial-killers.

WRONG!  Introverts may have a smaller circle of friends in a quantitative sense but that just means they possess a more qualitative perspective.  Numbers aren’t everything for an introvert.

Myth #2 – Introverts are passive pushovers who lack assertive behaviour.

WRONG!  Assertiveness is a set of communication skills that enables a person to express their feelings in a clear and direct manner.  It is personality independent.  And anyway, assertiveness is not the same as being a bolshy big-mouth who can’t shut up.

Myth #3 – Introverts are simply shy i.e. lacking in self-confidence to the point of timidity.

WRONG!  Introverts may choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear.

So what is introversion?  Standard dictionary definitions take us some way.  “Introversion is the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.”  Underline that phrase interested in.  It doesn’t mean limited to or trapped by.  It means that introverts tend to find aspects of the internal world more easily and naturally engaging than aspects of the external world.  It’s a matter of taste.

My favourite understanding of introversion goes back to the person who invented the term – Carl Jung.  Jung originally coined the terms in an attempt to describe the extremes of how people gain their psychic energy.  Psychological energy just means the mental energy someone has to think about things.  It has nothing to do with Eastern or New Age notions of spiritual energy.  Here’s how Wikipedia puts it.

“If a person’s psychic energy usually flows outwards then he or she is an extrovert, while if the energy usually flows inwards, the person is an introvert.  Extroverts feel an increase of perceived energy when interacting with a large group of people, but a decrease of energy when left alone.  Conversely, introverts feel an increase of energy when alone, but a decrease of energy when surrounded by a large group of people.”

Or, as a more recent writer put it:

“Introverts are like a rechargeable battery. They need to stop expending energy and rest in order to recharge. Extroverts are like solar panels that need the sun to recharge. Extroverts need to be out and about to refuel.”

I’m an introvert as you may have guessed.  And this understanding makes good sense to me.  Even when I’m hanging with by best friends or training an excellent group, I can still feel my batteries running down.  I need time alone to get them charged up again.  Plus, I never get bored by myself.  But I know people who are the opposite.  Spending time alone bores, agitates and even stresses them.  They need to be talking, walking, playing, traveling, cooking, eating, making, working (you get the picture) all the time! To me, that is real extroversion, not someone who likes company or shows enthusiasm. Who doesn’t, in some way, to some degree?

And that’s my final point.  Pure introversion and pure extroversion are extremes on a spectrum.  All of us are somewhere in between.  And exactly where we are on the continuum might alter over our lifetime, or even (like me) over the course of a day.  So don’t blame yourself or cage yourself in with these types.  Think of ways to use them to your advantage! And whatever you do, don’t cry over it!

Take the test here.

Image credit: alamosbasement.

Indian sex workers learn karate says the title of the article.  I am unimpressed.

Prostitutes in an Indian state have started taking karate lessons to help protect themselves against violent pimps and ‘customers’.  If you go to the article, there is a short film of them in training.  Natural feelings of sympathy for their plight are compounded.  The training will serve them poorly.

On Saturday 23 May 2008 I delivered a 1-day workshop called Streetwise: How to Protect Yourself Against Aggression.  The vast majority of those there were woman.  Half of the day was spent explaining the difference between aggression and assertiveness, and training students in the art of using assertive words and body language in situations of conflict.

In the second half of the day we got physical. With the help of my colleague Matthew Arrell we demonstrated some basic moves in self-defence.

Real self-defence is not a sport or even a system.  It is basic.  It is not for the squeamish.

It employs various principles like:

(1) ‘Hit and run’ – Your task is NOT to get involved in a brawl, but, if attacked, to overpower the aggressor with massive force and get the heck out of there.

(2) ‘Hardest to Softest’ – Forget about the fancy kicks and blocks of Hollywood lore.  Forget also about the grips and locks of some self-defence books.  They are worse than useless; they will put you in danger.  Palm strikes to face, palm slaps to the ears, eye strikes, use of knees and elbows – these are the tools of the trade.

Above all, I emphasise that awareness is everything.  Ninety percent of self-protection is personal security.

If it comes to violence, then something has usually gone wrong.  You have allowed yourself to be put in that situation.  So we trained our class in threat awareness, how to spot the danger signs, how to keep mentally alert, what situations to particularly watch out for, and how to reduce risk to yourself.  This is more important than any amount of pseudo Bruce Lee type training.

One of the best teachers of real self-defence around today is an English chap called Geoff Thompson.  (He’s now also an author and playwright of some repute.)  See him in action teaching his famous ‘fence’ technique here.

We’re planning to start up our own short courses on self-defence for woman in the near future (at the request of some of the students).

There is a gap in the market for this.  People don’t want martial arts training that lasts years and isn’t intended for the streets anyway.  We’ll keep you informed.

In the meantime, as trite as it may sound, my only advice  is – If you don’t want to be attacked, get out of the attack zone.  This applies as much to poor Indian prostitutes as it does to silly, drunken ladettes who walk home in the dark, alone.

Image credit:  filipe ferreira.

I’m the person people take with me when they want to return items in shops.  I’m the person people ring when they’ve an awkward phonecall to make to their supplier.  I’m the person people ask to check over their letters of complaint.  So, you could say I’ve something of a reputation for being bolshy assertive.  The truth is if you shout ‘loudly’ enough, someone listens.  So, when wee bro suggested I run a course on this very topic, I jumped at the idea.  It’s gonna be great!

I Want to Speak to the Person in Charge

Last year, I saved approximately £8000 pounds just by complaining.  That’s alot of money for me, not loose change.

My attack is two-pronged.  You need to know your stuff and you need to know how to say it.  Loosely translated, that means we’ll be looking at (1) what your chief consumer rights are (and are not) under the law, and where to find your targeted information, before you go in, all arrows at the ready.  Secondly, we’ll look at (2) the technique for letting those arrows go, in the right direction, and with deadly effect!.  Your target won’t know what hit them.

This course will:

• Help you to avoid falling into the pitfalls of buying something from a store whose (legal and not so legal) policies will it difficult for you to complain, or get your money back.
• Give you an opportunity to learn and practice the right assertiveness techniques in context.
• Show you how to complain, assertively.
• Assist you to challenge the crap customer service routinely dolled out in Northern Ireland.
• Eventually save you money, by pointing out what your consumer rights are and are not.
• Demonstrate where to find information on your consumer rights.
• Give you confidence to go out there and get what you want!

Case Study 1

I bought (and wore, twice) a pair of jeans from a well-know chain in Northern Ireland.  However, in the wash (I followed the intructions to the letter) they stretched to such an extent, they fell down when I next tried them on.  Something was wrong.

Expecting the worst, I took them back to the shop and explained the situation.  The sales assistant said, “OK, let me see…” (very politely, asserting that indeed they should not have done that and frowning, as if she believed me) and took them to measure them against the jeans of the same size in the shop.  “Oh no, that shouldn’t have happened.”  I suggested getting a smaller size, so that if they stretched (which they did, but not so much) I’d be OK.  She was polite, she was pleasant, she put me first.  I always go back (and I’ve told about a thousand people the happy story).  The problem was solved swiftly, and without accusations or any other unpleasant drama.

Case Study 2

My mum selected a throw for her sofa in a household shop.  When she paid, no receipt was produced.

Having eaten my Weetabix that morning, things were beginning to glow red, so I stepped in, completely to my mum’s horror, and asked the sales person to issue a receipt.  She refused, saying it was not necessary, since anyone was able to bring back any item and have their money returned, if the item was not suitable.

I replied that I’d love to see mum coming back in here and getting her money back, on an item purchased with no proof of purchase, cost or date.  She acknowledged she’d question mum about the date at least, and there’d be no way of mum proving when she’d bought it.  She realised she’d been tangoed, relented and gave a receipt (as all retailers know they should).

Do you want never to be conned again?  Then you can’t miss this explosive workshop!

Event Details & Booking

Saturday 2 May 09, 09:30 – 16:30pm.

Location: Queens University Belfast.

To book a place, phone the School of Education (Open Learning) on 028 9097 3539/3323 or email openlearning.education@qub.ac.uk.  Cost £23 pp.