I will either find a way or make one.

In his mind, the answer to an obstacle in the path and the lack of means to overcome it was not to retreat, surrender, or wail.  How can we imbibe some of his grit?

1. Quit moaning and do something productive toward your goal instead.
2. Stop agonising over the negative comments of idiots.
3. Spend less time with those whose vocabularly is frequented by can’t.
4. Avoid following others.  Become an inventor.  And, get the news out there.
5. Don’t give up at the first failure.
6. Take advice from experienced people, but don’t be afraid to ignore it.
7. Trust your gut.

I’m a fan of jumping in at the deep end.

Image credit: antmoose.

I debated whether to call this blog post, Stand, Breathe and Deliver, or perhaps The Oxygenated Highwayman.  You figure it out!

What a Meeting is Not

A meeting is not:

• A talking shop, for discussing and debating.
• An opportunity to catch up with the social gossip within your organisation.
• A chance to bitch about the staff/management en masse.

If your meetings include any of these activities, eliminate them and reclaim your time.

At All Costs, Avoid Having a Meeting At All

Few people enjoy meetings.  Become the darling of your management team by suggesting sane alternatives:

1. Pick up the phone and ask a question.
2. Send an email with Voting Buttons or a Survey to elicit opinions or a series of swift decisions.
3. If you need only keep people informed or share documents:
   1. learn how to use Google Docs
   2. if you have more money to spend, ask IT to set up a simple intranet site
   3. if you fancy yourself a competent writer, start an internal blog.

If a meeting is still considered necessary, hold a Stand-Up Meeting – see below.

There are only three rules. Stand, Breathe and Deliver.

Hold a Stand-Up Meeting

Stand-up meetings are characterised by the following:

• Invite the team involved on a project, not every manager in the building.
• Attendees stand, rather than sit.
• Meetings are generally brief (5-15 minutes), due to the eventual discomfort of standing so long in one place.
• There are no life-draining, convoluted series of welcomes, points arising, matters pertaining thereunto, thank-yous, discussions, deliberations or any other such nonsense.

I reserve my right to indulge in a little sarcasm, having once worked for an organisation where full-day meetings (with tea-breaks and specially ordered-in lunch) were too regular to dismiss as anomalies; they were planned this way.

• All members are encouraged to speak (briefly), sometimes using a visual prompt (such as a conch, as in Lord of the Flies).
• Updates state progress, impediments to progress and prompt immediate solutions.  I have seen this format work extremely well in  software development companies, where it has been adopted enthusiastically, probably because it fits snugly with the Agile project management style.

Have a Meeting in a Forest (or Other Non-Man-Made Location)

Get your staff or managers out of the office for an hour, and into nature.  I highly recommend beside a gushing waterfall.  You can almost get drunk on the high oxygen in such places.  Oxygen, exercise, and space are all essential for energy, creativity, problem-solving, motivation, brainstorming, and those of us who are right-brain dominant (for which our schools, colleges, workplaces and world have no place to play).

If this is impossible (due to narrow-mindedness, what else?), a local cafe might provide at least a walk in the fresh air, which always invigorates thinking.

Insist on Delivery

Assign tasks to named individuals.  Ensure everyone is sent a summary of the main points by email.  I recommend a massively pared-down version of minutes, if at all.

Insist on Delivery Before the Four Horsemen of Armageddon Arrive

Interpret this how you will.  Insist on delivery of the tasks assigned to individuals before either the universe implodes, the staff retention rate reaches unacceptable levels, the FSA sends their men in black coats, profits sink, or Friday is upon you.  In other words, date tasks.

Further, ask for a (not necessarily written) report on how the task went at the beginning of the next meeting. Slackers and procrastinators will soon get used to being held accountable to their peers. When you encounter persistent, malignant non-compliance, train or fire.  It’s a simple deterrant.

That’s about all I have to say.  Trust me.  I’ve been there.  Think of what my new BFF Richard Koch would say.

Koch would say 80% of meetings are a waste of time.  And, 80% of time your spent at meetings is wasted.  He’d tell you to prioritise and choose the 20% of meetings that are a effective use of your time, and attend those.  And, be aware that while you’re there, you’ll only find 20% of THAT time is actually effectively spent.

In other words, go back to where I said, At All Costs, Avoid Having a Meeting at All.

Guest Blog Post by Matthew Arrell

The confrontation has got to a point beyond fleeing.  There is not a moment to think or even a second to spare; this is the millisecond in which the outcome of the altercation will turn.  Everything depends on how you next react.

We’ll assume that you are in a situation where only the fight option is available.  I won’t go through all the various levels of force you can use as the scenarios are endless.  However, I will say that if you believe your life or that of your family or friends to be under threat, attack with 100% force and 100% aggression.  Do not use any less than all the force you can summon to your fists, feet, elbows, knees or makeshift weapon.

In this scenario, the attacker and you will both be unarmed.  If you wish to learn techniques to use against weapons then you need to  attend a weekly class to rehearse these skills.

Attack in front with distance

1. Eye strikes – both hands alternately with fingers and thumbs

2. Palm strike – with a slap or straight palm strike (like a jab), to the face, ears, throat or groin

3. Punches – if you are able to punch correctly, to the face or throat

4. Kicks – straight downward to the groin or shins (forget about those movie high kicks unless trained)

Attack in front – distance close

1. Eye gouges – both hands, grab the head or ears and work your thumbs into the eyes

2. Knees – to the groin, abdomen or face if they lean forward after groin strike

3. Head butt – lean back and quickly drive your forehead into their nose

4. Elbows – to the middle of the head

Attacker behind

1. Hammer fist – to the groin

2. Elbows – to the face, abdomen or groin

3. Eye gouges – reach round and go for the eyes with fingers and thumbs

4. Reverse head butt – lean forward and quickly throw your head back into his face

On the floor with attacker on top

1. Eye strikes/gouges – strike for the eyes or hold onto their ears and get the thumbs into the eyes

2. Upward kicks – if you’re thrown to the floor, start to kick up to the groin/abdomen/head as they try to get down to your level (kick straight with the sole of your foot)

3. Shin/knee kicks – if they stay standing, go for their shins or the front of their knee, again kick straight with the sole of your foot

These are the most common scenarios you could face on the street.  I’ve kept it as brief as possible because the last thing you need at this time is an army of options marching around in your head.  As for blocking punches and kicks from an attacker, this is something that you would have to be well practised at for effectiveness.

Another way to avoid kicks and punches is to simply move out of the line of fire.  Watch a boxer or kick boxer.  They will always circle towards their opponent’s weakest side.  They have watched previous matches in order to determine which side this is.  In real life we don’t have this luxury, so try and stay out of the way of whatever they are throwing at you.

Some boxers simply become overwhelmed with their opponents aggression.  Notice I didn’t say ‘skill’; I said ‘aggression’.  It doesn’t always win the fight but it certainly puts them on the back foot, confusing them and disrupting their game plan.  This is the exact same with an attacker who expects you to be submissive or at least an easy target.  Their game plan is to prey on the weak.  So what you should do is this:

1. Distract – Ask them a question like “why are you picking on me,” or make a statement, “I’m not a fighter, I don’t want any trouble”.  (This uses the criminals own dirty trick of asking people for the time or directions to somewhere in order to distract a victim for long enough to initiate their attack.)

2. Attack – Go for it while they are thinking for an answer and keep attacking until they are incapacitated for long enough for you to escape.  This may take one strike or a number of strikes.  Be aggressive and violent, as you will increase your chances of doing damage, and if not, it will at least make them think twice about continuing their attack on you.

3. Pull back – Once you have that opportunity to get out of harm’s way, use it and run to a safe area.

Geoff Thompson is the expert from whom I’ve taken many of my tips on personal security; some of his ideas are incorporated into this blog.  He would recommend that punching is a must and I would agree, but only if you are comfortable with it – it is an awesome tool to have.  For more information on the wider subject of how to protect yourself against aggression, please read my previous blog post, as well as Allen’s realistic thoughts on self-defence for women.  Finally, draw your attention to the fact that a good level of physical fitness goes a long way to keeping you safe on those mean streets.  It’s difficult to flee or fight when you’re fat!

Image credit: polinasergeeva.

Matthew Arrell is a Strength and Conditioning Coach.  You can join his Facebook Page to find contact details.  Matthew’s previous Guest Blogs:

The Benefits of Exercise

12 Tips for a Lighter Christmas

Often our lives are characterised by FOG: fear, obligation and guilt.  In many cases, this involves other people. That is what this blog post deals with.  It concerns how to limit fear to the unavoidable, remove obligation when it is incorrectly placed and replace guilt when it is unjustified.

Fear

Who are you afraid of?  Are family, friends or co-workers controlling you with your own fear?  Does their behaviour, words, silent treatment, lies, or manipulation make you fearful?  If you are aware of it, you can do something about it.

If the other person is aware of it, and continues to threaten (whether silently, or in words), this is called bullying or emotional abuse.  Sufferers say often more damaging, long-term, than physical violence.  And, in the realm of those who help men and women with domestic abuse, emotional abuse is subsumed under the heading of domestic violence.  It is often likely to lead to it, and when emotional abuse is present, violence is likely to be too.  A note of caution.  If you have been physically threatened and are afraid of someone, or have already suffered at their hands, this is entirely different.  Organisations such as Women’s Aid and, recommend removing yourself from that situation.  Don’t live in fear of your life, or physical safety, or that of your children or other dependants.  There are many organisations who will help you escape from this precarious situation.

Take advice from professionals who are practised at dealing with victims.

Never forget that the more you fear someone, the more power it gives them.

Violence aside, that ought to make you angry enough to actively and consistently change that emotion when it surfaces, from fear to pity or, better indifference.

Techniques for limiting your fear of people

1. Attend an Assertiveness course, and learn how to communicate assertively, avoiding both aggression and passivity.  Assertiveness and Workplace Confidence is one of our most popular workshops.  Learn how to deal with those who would aggressively demand your obedience.  You are an adult, you are entitled to your rights, you have responsibilities.  Learn this and never be successfully bullied again.  Yes, people won’t like you.  The point is not to be liked.  (In Northern Ireland, we are taught from a very young age not to flaunt our passion, opinion, emotions, or knowledge.  Expect that when you begin to practice assertive communication, many will interpret your directness as aggression.)  The point of assertive communication is to get your point across clearly, and succinctly.  It does not involve shouting, bullying or manipulation.  We recommend this: The Assertiveness Pocketbook.
2. Limit the amount of time you spend in that person’s company.  In many cases, this is achievable.  If you cannot avoid them when you want to, for example in the workplace, then devise ways of limiting the contact.  This may mean shorter meetings, moving desks, changing shifts, restructuring the team, or applying for a transfer.  The less you see that person, the less damage they can do.  The more astute will become aware why you are spending less time allowing them opportunities in which they can attempt to manipulate you.  This is especially effective if combined with assertive communication when you are forced to spend time with them.  They will see less of you, and that they do see, is positively different.
   This is one example of setting boundaries around your time.  We highly recommend Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries, which deals with protecting you and yours using boundaries. 
3. If your fear is one where you are paralysed in the company of more than a few colleagues, take it one step at a time.  One of the best ways of overcoming debilitating shyness is to begin practising on strangers.  Chat to the guy in the paper shop, or have a longer conversation than is necessary with a random stranger at the bus stop.  This helps build up your repertoire of things to talk about, and makes you realise that you can participate in an interesting conversation after all.  Learn to use body language, clothing, smiles, handshakes to create an air of confidence, and fearlessness.  The feelings will come later, but the appearance of confidence is achievable.  With success, comes the positive emotion of confidence, which in turn fuels the next encounter.    We recommend The Confidence Booster Workout.

Obligation

Who “makes” you feel obliged?  A demanding boss?  A lazy co-worker who will show up the team, if you fail to step in and cover up for her?  An immature parent?  A whinging child?

Are you the person who sorts things out?  Gets things done?  Fixes whatever, and whoever, is broken?  Takes care of things no-one else will?

If your life is taken up with rescuing other people, then you’re heading for depression.

How do I know?  Because I sometimes work with those who deal with depression.  Besides, I’m the Rescuer personality type and I know what it feels like to be consumed with wanting to help fragile victims, taking on the heavy, emotional baggage they inevitably carry around.  And, because I see the Rescuer type every day.
They’re physically exhausted.  And, mentally?

Far from feeling benevolent toward the person they’re rescuing from their own problem, inadequacy or laziness, they most often resent them!

Techniques for limiting obligation to your genuine responsibilities only

• Read Manuel Smyth’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.  Pay attention to his Bill of Assertive Rights.  I have tried to figure out a favourite, but there are four that are equally impactful.

You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

You have the right to say, “I don’t care”.

• Now, go back and read the rights again.  Ponder what each one would look like in your life.

From now on, take care of those things you know are your real responsibilities, and ignore those that others place unfairly upon you.  This is not a licence to drop your responsibilities.  On the contrary, it is a license to take up those responsibilities and carry them out, unfettered by the illegitimate obligations placed on us by others.

Guilt

What if you don’t do something for someone?  Are you taken over by guilt?  Do you groan at the consequences?

If I don’t do this for her, then she’ll suffer!  If I don’t help out, then no-one else will!

Did you ever stop to think that it is not within your circle of concern what the consequences are? And, sometimes it is not even within your circle of influence!  It only appears so, because you have allowed someone else to determine it for you.

Techniques for not feeling guilty

• Ask yourself if you have done something wrong.  If not, then you need not feel guilty.  That nagging voice in your head probably speaks very like your parent/child/boss/friend/neighbour.  It is false.  Ignore it.
  You will train yourself gradually to mute the volume.
• Are you the type that can’t enjoy a success?  You feel guilt instead?  Think of success as a logical, intended culmination of years of planning, or months of study, or days of labour.  It would be a huge surprise if anything other than success was the result.  That is what you are working toward, isn’t it?  Then, enjoy it!

You are the only person who can break the FOG cycle

I’m very fortunate, I know, to have a husband who cares for my mental well-being.  But, I was horrified, though not surprised, recently, to listen to a woman whose husband never asked her how she was feeling.  The thing is, if you never say how you’re feeling, people can sometimes be forgiven for assuming that you feel OK.  That leads to a situation where your feelings are unimportant.

Never underestimate the immense lack of interest of others, even those closest to you, in your contentment, mental wellbeing, physical health or fulfilment in life.

Fear – speak out, be heard in a positive way.  Don’t fall into the trap of becoming aggressive towards those who scare you.

Obligation – take responsibilities seriously, but only those that you decide on.

Guilt – much of it is misplaced.  Decide if the emotion is warranted, and act accordingly.

All of this takes a little practice, I know!  But, it is achievable.

Image credit: mikecolvin82.

This two day workshop will take place on Wednesday – Thursday, 17-18 February 10, 09:30-16:30.  Speaker: Dawn Baird.

The realities of modern work life – flat structures, tough workloads and the need to exert influence across traditional boundaries – ensure that assertiveness skills are not an optional extra.  Aggression is unacceptable; passivity is ineffective.

Previous attendees of this workshop have said:

Met and surpassed.  Enjoyed especially session on emotional intelligence – had heard about it but didn’t know alot about it.  Really enjoyable course.  Professional trainers and also enthusiastic participants helped to make it enjoyable and relevant to me.

Emma Rollins, Assistant Tourism Development Officer, Ards Council

I found the course very interesting and practical, the blend of theory and practical solutions on how to behave assertively exceed my expectations before the course.   I really enjoyed the course.  I thought Dawn and Allen were great trainers who put the group at ease and explained their subject matter very well.

Elaine Vaughan, HR Officer, Police Ombudsman

In this workshop you will learn a powerful set of techniques and how to use them in specific workplace scenarios, such as when negotiating or influencing.  Also covered are the relationships between assertiveness and more general work-related issues, like the conflict created when giving criticism and receiving feedback.

Allen Baird will no longer be c0-speaking at this event, as originally announced.

To book a place, contact Marc Forte at the School of Education (Short Courses Programmes) on 028 9097 5260 or email cpd@qub.ac.uk.

Image credit: prajuvikas.