Radical Listening Skills

Posted by Dawn Baird, Partner in body language,communication,emotional intelligence,personal development

listening

I was momentarily speechless this week, as I listened to 14-17 year olds tell me how I could tell if they were listening to me. We then applied this to listening to others, specifically those who were telling you something very personal, such as their feelings and what they were thinking about themselves. Here are the phrases they called out, as we thought what might be important to think about when we were trying to demonstrate attentiveness:

Eye Contact

The old rule is that when you’re talking, you look at the person 60-70% of the time, but this increases to 70-80% of the time, when they are talking to you. Solidly maintained eye-contact is threatening, as in The Godfather. Absent eye-contact is disconcerting and irritating, as in People Who Love Schmoozing at Parties. You must consistently present an interested demeanor, otherwise someone will lose interest in you, or become anxious and/or aggressive.

Of course, you can use eye contact to your advantage, if you want to escape someone or discouraging them from speaking. This works best with aggressive types, who will often become sullen, and eventually silent, following a period of decreasing eye-contact.

Body Language

Face the speaker. Make sure your feet, chest and head are pointing toward them. Lean forward into the conversation. If you are there in body, it conveys the notion that you are also there in mind.

Those who seem to lean toward the speaker, but face elsewhere, or vice-versa are most often to be found at parties, where someone of more interest has entered the room. For such people, it’s kinder to release them and find someone with more manners.

Nodding

It’s one of the easiest things to do. It can make even the most socially awkward person seem more engaged with the speaker. It takes a minimal of effort. It encourages people to keep going.

It’s something to avoid if you’ve tired of listening, though. In my experience, it’s best avoided at networking meetings. Otherwise, you will become trapped with an entrepreneurial bore.

Responding

Nothing is more discouraging for a speaker than someone who does not respond. This is something I encounter occasionally when I’m speaking to a larger group. It takes time to establish rapport. And, if you’re in the process of revealing something very personal, then a lack of response will soon cause your openness to dissipate.

Responding to a speaker is the greatest way of eliciting more information. It’s best done via open-ended questions. Tell me more… So, how did that feel? Have you any other thoughts about that?

Alternativelt, if you fail to respond, it sends a clear signal to the speaker of your lack of interest.

Asking Questions

If you aren’t listening and hearing what is being said, then you will be entirely unable to formulate intelligent and probing questions. If the question you ask is vague, it gives the speaker the impression you were only listening at the start or at the end, as they drew their speaking to a close. Asking precise questions shows engagement and interest in the person and their topic.

You could of course avoid asking questions at all, to not-so-subtly indicate you are not interested in hearing about it any further. People who are uncomfortable with a certain topic often do this unconsciously, giving the wrong impression, but nevertheless ending any further discourse.

Smiling

The best encouragement, which will elicit an aura of openness and honesty, is a genuine and recurrent smile. It promotes feelings of empathy, friendliness and trustworthiness. What better foundations for a good, honest conversation?

What are your thoughts? Do you have any tips for adding to our list of Listening Skills? Feel free to add them in a comment below.

Image credit: el Buho nº30.