How to Stop Being Nice
Why is it that we’re all ever so nice? We’re taught to be nice from infancy. Nice doesn’t get brought breakfast in bed. Nice doesn’t cut dead the jobsworth. Nice knows its duties. Nice won’t assert its rights. Nice never challenges bad behaviour.
Needless to say, I’m not nice. I read a shocking(!) book recently which reminded me that ‘nice’ isn’t the pinnacle of human development. Why am I especially fired up about this today? Well, last night I attended a networking meeting where we were all too nice to tell people to keep the noise down shut up. It was a bit of a split personality networking meeting, in that people were offered the opportunity to avail of free beauty and health treatments before and during two talks from Beth Gibb and Dr Finbar Magee. However, the noise levels from those determined to get a free treatment at the expense of missing the talks and ignoring requests to join the group were disrespectful and irritating for the speakers and infuriating for the listeners 
.
So, how do we get away from being ‘nice’?
Take and stick
Being nice will land you in a situation where those who claim to love you will let you get injured or unhealthy before they will step up to the plate and take on their legitimate responsibilities. You need to learn to take and stick to decisions that will nurture you. Others will learn that you need to be nurtured. It is not just as simple as this of course. Get your hands on any Assertiveness book. I thoroughly recommend Boundaries.
Flick your own switch
Being nice will mean that you have no time to yourself. What flicks your switch? Reading? Tinkering? Shopping? Just hanging out in the back garden? Who give you time for these things? If those around you don’t, then it’s time to say ‘No.’ to more of those oh-so-reasonable requests than you have been. Sometimes involving others in your hobbies will help them see how important they are to you. But, never neglect ‘me-time’. Walking along the beach is what fills my core back up again.
“No, [empty space].”
Being nice means that you always get asked to write that database at work, even though you’re not an IT person (been there, done that). When does it all stop? Perhaps only when you quit, or take stress-leave?! Learn to say No without adding reasons why. Yes, of course people will react badly; they’re usually agressive bullies. However, you will become known as a person who knows their boundaries and won’t be ‘put upon’. You need to ride the storm.
Key fact
Someone else’s bad reaction to you not being ‘nice’ is their problem. Do not take it on your shoulders. Avoid the sickening guilt sensation that settles somewhere below your rib-cage. If they have a bad reaction because you refuse a request, this does not mean you should capitulate. It simply means they’re not used to not getting their own way. This is a good lesson for adults to learn.
If you’re dead keen to learn the techniques, then ring me. We’re running a public Assertiveness workshop at QUB in the new year, however if you’d like to arrange some Assertiveness coaching for yourself, or a workshop for your colleagues or organisation, get in touch.
