OK, you’re right!  I stole the idea for this post title from a Bruce Lee film.  A tough nut asks Lee what fighting style he specialises in.  The mysterious reply?

The art of fighting without fighting.

Intrigued, the thug demands an demonstration.  They are on a ferry, so Lee suggests they take a rowing boat to a nearby island where all will be revealed.  The lout steps onto the island first and Lee – still on the boat – simply lets out the line and begins to drift slowly away from the island.  Hey presto!  Victory without one punch.

Last Saturday, I delivered a workshop entitled, Confident Conversations: How to Talk in Any Situation.  Despite the blazing heat (21 Centigrade), about thirty keen delegates arrived from all around the country to learn and practice some new skills.  It was a stimulating day, with amazing feedback from attendees.

Part of the message I wanted to convey was that the art of interpersonal communications (i.e. conversations) begins before you open your mouth.  Are you genuinely interested in other people, or so self-absorbed that you’re scared to say anything?  Can you give someone your rapt attention, or is your power of concentration broken every time a fly swoops past?

Then there’s the skill of listening, which means infinately more than sitting back and saying nothing.. though it does mean buttoning the beak at least initially!

We also discussed feedback, deferring judgement and responding appropriately.  We had some hearty roleplay around how to start and end a conversation, especially how to manoeuvre yourself into an already establised group (a useful trick in networking situations).  In addition, we did some work around the recurring issue of what topics to raise and how to appear informed.

But, back to the post title.  One area in which participants showed most interest was non-verbal communication.  This was no surprise, since my last similar workshop on this topic – Body to Body: Communicating without Words – had over forty participants.  It was so successful, I am running it again in the Autumn..  details to follow.  We spent time on how to show that you are open and approachable, confident and assertive, listening and attentive, empathic and connected, positive and optimistic… ALL WITHOUT UTTERING A WORD!!

OK, apologies for shouting.  But, most punters don’t take note.  We tend to assume that the art of conversation is about witty repartee and Wildian wit.  NOT!  It is about smiling, nodding and shutting up!  The thing is, most of us don’t get even this far.  We are too self-absorved, which leads us to talk too little or too much (the evil twins of bad banter).

Anyway, here’s what I think:

Introversion and heightened sensitivity are not the same as shyness.  They are gifts that you can turn to your advantage on your road to becoming a skilled conversationalist.

It is good to create a mental agenda before a conversation, to broaden your mental repetoire.

It takes practice and you can build confidence in small ways by taking the initiative to chat to people in everyday situations e.g. at the till, in the DVD store or in the taxi.

Enough.  Anyone out there got anything to say about all this?

[Yes, me!  You might like to read Gaping Void's take on how to become interesting.  His post is called Wine is Commodity.  The principle is the same, though the subject-matter is vastly different.  His last sentence here is the most useful.  - Dawn]

Last 5 posts by Allen Baird, Partner

• No More Heroes? #2 - March 10th, 2010
• No More Heroes? #1 - March 3rd, 2010
• The Politics of Depression - February 22nd, 2010
• Class, Race and Sex In Education - February 15th, 2010
• How To Be Fearless - February 10th, 2010