Apostrophe Atrophy

Posted by Dawn Baird, Partner on Apr 9, 2008 in training, writing | 2 comments

It can make a grown man cower in his Calvin Kleins. It can make a grown woman shiver in her Manolo Blahniks.  Yet, it’s no bigger than a pinhead.

What am I talking about?  The apostrophe.  You can’t get away from them (see?).

Business Writing is one of the most enjoyable topics to teach.  I once taught a group of twelve colleagues.  I had prepared an exercise that was entirely full of mistakes; not one apostrophe was either needed or in the right place. The point of the exercise was to demonstrate to the workshop delegates that even those who should know better can get it wrong.  And, the second part of the exercise was to go on to correct them.  I’d expected the first part to take much less time than it did.

I was honestly astounded to realise that – with one exception – everyone in the class (eleven people) did not realise that every example was wrong.  Further, once they were informed of this, they could not tell me how to correct them with any degree of certainty.

I’ve taught probably thousands of employees, team leaders, managers, GMs and directors.  This was the only time in which I felt like packing up and going home.  True to form, I’d prepared for the eventuality that the level of competence was lower than average (whatever average might mean) but this was worse.  I had one day, and the prospect of ever reaching the heights of the active voice was receding fast.

Let me make this clear once and for all. The apostrophe is an animal that is used for two purposes and two purposes only.

• To show possession:
  Dawn’s boat is moored off the coast of Cannes (I wish !).
  Someone has to own something for an apostrophe to be necessary.  This excludes ‘its boat’.
• Or, to indicate a dropped letter:
  It’s not fair that I don’t actually own a boat.
  In this example, the dropped letter (due to more casual speech) is ‘i’.

It is not used in any other circumstance.  Do not be persuaded by men selling apples, women making pies or teenagers sweeping hair (sorry to all you grammatically correct grocers, cafe-owners and hairdressing assistants out there!).

And, yes, I am the type of person who has read Eats, shoots and leaves, The Grouchy Grammarian and Elements of Style.  But, I draw the line at correcting you over your chicken wings starter at the local steakhouse!